Okay lame jokes! TO ME, THEY ARE SUPER DUPER FUNNY!
OKAY THIS IS ANOTHER SERIES OF JOKE BUT THERE ARE ALOT ON THE BOTTOM TOO! REMEMBER TO SEE THE POSTS BEFORE THIS TOO. (:
EDITTED EDITTED

1. With the help of a fertility specialist Doctor, a 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby girl. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they asked her to show the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they asked to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they said, "Ok. When you are going to show the baby?"
The old mother says, "Let the baby cry first."
They were surprised, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I kept the baby."

2. One soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl friend wrote that she want to break off their engagement and she wants all her photograph back.

He went out and collected all the unwanted photographs from his friends he could find. Also from his drawers & cubbards, bundled them all together in a envelop and sent them back with a note saying:

"I am sorry. Cannot remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others.

3. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

4.There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

5. Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

6.A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied - no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

7. In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."
"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."
"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."
"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."
"What is it?"
"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

8. A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.

"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

"$345," says the doctor.

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

9. In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another Lady walks up behind the blonde and watches her behaviour for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if he can take some Cokes.

The blonde turns around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

10. A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"

11. What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?

A. In a church they say: Pray in the name of Jesus!" In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!"

12. A young lady just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

13. Doesn't this sound like every mom in the world?

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you.
Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

14. Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

15. A sales company had real trouble selling bibles. One day, a man (he had speaking problem) comes in, with a job application and says to the manager -

"l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."

Seeing his problem, the manager didn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager was looking at the charts and realized that the newest guy was selling the most copies.
Amazed, he calls him into his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How did you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, s-s-sir I j-j-just g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d I-I-I s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

16. Pamella came to her Boss asking for a day off.

Boss said, " so you want the day off:"
After looking at Pam for quite a while, he said -

"Let's take a look at what you are asking for....

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and hell will freeze over, if you're going to take that day off!!!" and HHHHH

17. A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to shave his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

18. As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales talk that yielded no results, the arab asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

19. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

20. An elderly gentleman married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.

The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program, so he was in a bad mood that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while.

A couple of hours later being excited for having sex, she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.

"What is the matter", he asked. She replied "This side of the bed is too hard, I want to lay on your side." He got up and walked around the bed, got in on her side and went to sleep.

A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She awoke him again. "What now?" He asked. She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side." Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.

She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot across the bed?" He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.
"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked.

He replied, "YEAH, YOU WANT THE WHOLE DAMNED BED, BUT YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET IT!"

21. A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'.

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

22. A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is crying and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

23. A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get divorced?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

24. A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better."

The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you ?"

"He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.

25. 1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.

2nd man: Oh really, what happened then?

1st man: After the first two, I felt better. So, gave up the idea.

26. A fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat next to him. After talking and having a few drinks together, the fellow says to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?"

"And what would that be?" answered the blond.

"We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you disappear."

27. As a painless way to save money, a young couple decided that every time they have sex the husband will put the changes in his pocket into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it broke. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up.
"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

28. Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

29. A British cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The locals always picked on the Brits and when the cowboy was done with his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back in the bar, flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SNAKES STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprised forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT -- I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BEER. WHEN I'M DONE, IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T *LIKE* TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!"

The locals shifted uneasily as they'd never seen anyone quite this upset. When the cowboy finished his beer, he walked back outside and his horse had been returned.

The bartender had followed him out there and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what did you do in Texas?"

"I had to bloody walk home."

30. A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie (The cab driver) , upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

31. A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?""No," he replied, "I've never done either.""Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"inquired the doctor."No, I've never done any of those things either.""Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

32. A drunk was hauled into court."Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking.""Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"

33. An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dighis way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

34. The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?""Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

35. A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun."It's for my husband," she tells the clerk."Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk."Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

36. A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor."Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?""I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

37. Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

38. A Lady Doctor who was on her way to leave her four-year-old daughter in the school.The doctor had her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began to play with it. That's very nice, thought the doctor, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

39. A little girl, whenever someone asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

40. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can Find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

41. A boy had reached 4 without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit but couldn't make him leave it. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

42. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

43. A man was in doubt if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

44. "Darling", she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

45. A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.The towns people did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?""Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

46. The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man (sigh) he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man... "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door...""Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

47. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenlystopped going to synagogue (temple). Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

48. The pissed off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar."Ok", he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red"?At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. "I did asshole", he said. "What have you got to say about that"?"Oh", said the cowboy. " I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

49. "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor."You didn't do it, did you?""I have to admit I did... though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

50. A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.""Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking.""Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth.""That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

51. A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?""Yes granddaughter, it's me.""It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats."Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?""Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you.""Anything, my child.""Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

52. A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

53. A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

54. "Preet, for heaven's sake, why can't you just TALK to me once in awhile?" cried Judi.
"Huh?" Lizard Pecker responded.
"Look around you!" she motions. "All these books. Your head is forever buried in these books. You don't even know I'm alive!"
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"You know, sometimes I wish *I* were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."
"Hmmm," Preet pondered, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Next time, dearie, try going alone."

55. A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."

56. Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

57. Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

58. . One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.
The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.
The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

59. A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"One-seventy."
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 183.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Five-eleven."
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy."

60. An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

61. A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm a half mile past my stop already."

62. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.
One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."

63. Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."
"Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"
"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

64. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

65. The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

66. A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." >>

67. Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."
Priest: "Why, Luigi?"
Luigi: "I think I married my sister."
Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?"
Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"

68. Jason worked at one of those one hour photo developing places. Judi had brought in a roll of film that'd been exposed to light prior to it being brought in for processing. When Jason tried to explain that the film had been exposed, she screamed at him, "I KNOW there were pictures on there! You go back into that machine and put my pictures back on that roll so I can get them developed!!!"

69. Dennis had hired Amanpreet, fresh out of the service, to do some work for him. One day, the office manager called Dennis to ask Preet about his tax form that he'd filled out when he was hired. Instead of marking "M" for married or "S" for single, Preet had drawn a little box and put an "E" in it. Dennis asked Preet and Preet replied, "Well, the form didn't have my status so I made one of my own: E for Engaged."

70. Evan got a telemarketing call from Judi who asked Evan if she could speak to the master of the house. Evan told Judi that would be the dog. Judi paused, covered the phone, and said to someone next to her, "He said it was the dog!" After a bit she returned to the phone, "May I speak to the dog?"

71. Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapeno and some chili peppers I never say before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on . . ."


shall post more later(: HAHAHA. do visit often, jokes are always around in this blog, and do advertise, share my blog jokes around(:
STILL HAVE MORE JOKES! MUST VIEW OFTEN!

Dillon Tan Yong Chen
16 on 26 December 92
Bukit Merah Secondary
xiaodi-dillon@hotmail.com


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